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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26236936">And I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyofreylo/pseuds/ladyofreylo'>ladyofreylo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>80s song fics [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>80s song, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, Falling In Love, First Meeting, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Light Angst, Love Story, Reylo - Freeform, Romance, Teachers, True Love, U2 - Freeform, at-risk youth, not much smut, school setting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:01:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,618</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26236936</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyofreylo/pseuds/ladyofreylo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is part of a series about Ben and Rey, who meet and fall in love.  In this story, first grade teacher Ben Solo meets Ms. Rey Johnson, bringer of chaos into his neat little world.  She teaches at-risk youth and wants to have her students do a project with his.</p><p>It isn't what he's looking for.  Unfortunately, Ben isn't sure what he is looking for after leaving the Knights of Ren.  He thought it was a nice quiet life with smooth sailing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>80s song fics [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1878508</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Kylo/Ben’s POV, RFR Songfic Challenge</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>And I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Other fics in this series include:<br/>Straight Up Now Tell Me<br/>Roleplay!<br/>Hungry Like the Wolf</p><p>Best to read them in order.  This one is the first.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>“And I still haven’t found… what I’m looking for…”  Ben Solo sings under his breath.  He is in his classroom prepping for school to start up again this year.</p><p>He marvels at how far he’s come from years past when he was a whole other person in a whole other life.  He likes this one quite a bit better.</p><p>Except, the Board of Directors of the small private school where Ben works decided to merge with an alternative high school program.  Ben wishes they would keep their youthful miscreants out of the building.</p><p>He snorts.  Alternative.  In his mind, it is another word for hooligans and lawbreakers.  He’d seen enough of that in the Knights of Ren when he’d been a Supreme Leader of a squadron.  Hot-headed motherfuckers, much like he used to be, swarmed into the Knights.</p><p>And he’d had to deal with them fucking up his squad.</p><p>He’d run far, far away from that life—looking for something else. </p><p>He checks his watch.  Time to go to one of the many back-to-school meetings.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Ben sees her walk into the meeting with his principal Rose Tico.  He groans inside.  Rey Johnson, coordinator of the Academy, is apparently a friend of Rose’s.  She is also not what he expects.</p><p>Rey wears a colorful flowery dress and low heels.  She radiates bright energy, smiling at everyone with a wide smile that make her sparkling eyes crinkle up.  Her hair is a smooth bob of soft brown and she has a light dusting of freckles on her luminous skin.  She is slightly taller than average, with small, high breasts.</p><p>Ben thinks idly that they would fit nicely in his hands.  He wonders where that idea comes from and shakes it off.  Rey Johnson is the bringer of chaos into his world and he needs to stand up for what’s right and decent.</p><p>He bides his time in the meeting and waits for an opportunity to strike.  He’s good at this.</p><p>He clears his throat when Rose asks for comments or questions.</p><p>“Mr. Solo,” Rose calls on him, schooling her features into an impassive mask, though Ben knows she doesn’t want him to rock the boat.</p><p>Rey’s eyes snap to his face.  He’s been quiet throughout the meeting—on purpose.  Rey hasn’t looked his way once; indeed, she likely has not noticed him—also on purpose.</p><p>He nods briefly.</p><p>“No insult to Ms. Johnson, but my littles…” he pauses. “uh, my students, that is, and their families don’t need exposure to Academy students.  They are much older and more… seasoned.  Some are on parole, some have a history of violence or problematic behavior.”  He stops to let his words sink and to stroke his mustache as he does when he’s thinking.  He opens his mouth to continue.</p><p>Rey Johnson makes a cute little squeak to get Rose’s attention.  Ben stares at her.</p><p>“Pardon me, Rose.  I can speak to that.”</p><p>Ben finds himself staring into fiery hazel eyes.  “Mr…”</p><p>“Ben Solo,” he supplies.</p><p>“Solo, I understand your reluctance, but these students are also children.  Children we are trying to save from the streets.  I’m certain that they are not interested in hurting your students.  Most have younger siblings and protect them quite fiercely.  They are attempting to turn their lives around.  Let’s not make it harder for them.”</p><p>Ben lifts his eyebrows.  “And what will you say to the parents who would prefer that their six-year-olds aren’t exposed to profanity, smoke-filled clothing, questionable music choices, etc.?”</p><p>“How do you know the parents don’t have children like this already in their homes?  Perhaps minus the tobacco smell…”  Rey smiles at him.</p><p>He realizes she is attempting to charm him.  To joke with him.  To find some common ground.</p><p>He doesn’t want it to work.  He has built his peaceful first grade classroom out of the ashes of a bloody, nasty, enervating career and he will protect it with every fiber of his being.</p><p>Rose Tico interrupts.  “Mr. Solo, we do understand your concerns.  We have put all the elementary students in the East Wing.  Ms. Johnson’s class will be around the corner at the edge of the West Wing.  You should have little interaction.”</p><p>“Except we’d like to do some projects together,” Rey chirps.  “Mr. Solo, it would be so good for my kids to do something with yours.  I have a project in mind that will benefit both groups.”</p><p>Ben grits his teeth.</p><p>Rose smiles.  “That’s the spirit.  Let’s not run away from issues.  Let’s see if we can work them out.  Excellent.  I’ll expect a description of the project on my desk by the end of the first week.”  She pauses and looks around at the teachers, some of whom look bored, some restless, some exchanging glances.  “If that’s all… Have a good rest of your day working on your rooms.”</p><p>Of course, Rey Johnson bops up to Ben after the meeting.  He looks into her eyes.  They are green and light brown hazel, unlike his, which are brown hazel with gold.  Or something.  He’s never been able to figure it out; they look different all the time.  He calls them brown hazel.  Or just fucking brown.</p><p>He is not sure why he’s thinking about eye color while she’s moving her soft lips and gazing at him cheerfully.</p><p>But he is.</p><p>He catches the word “coffee” and wakes up.  She has asked him a question.</p><p>“Sure,” he says.  “Coffee.”</p><p>She beams at him.  “Great.  I’ll bring it from Cuppa Joe’s bright and early tomorrow.  You like cream?”  She tilts her head to one side before he can answer.  “No, you’re one for plain old black coffee, aren’t you?”</p><p>“Yes,” he says.  “What time, again?”</p><p>“8 am.  My room.  Around the corner from yours.  W101.”</p><p>“Uh,” he says.  “Okay.”</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Ben finds Rey in her big, light airy room in the morning.  The smell of coffee hangs in the air along with baked goods.  She’s brought muffins, too.</p><p>Ben’s stomach betrays him by growling.  He hopes she hasn’t heard the inelegant noise.</p><p>She smiles when she sees him.  “Mr. Solo, I…”</p><p>“Ben,” he interrupts.  “We don’t have to do last names until the kids show up.”</p><p>She hands him a cup of coffee.  “I didn’t remember your first name.  Sorry.”</p><p>“It’s Ben,” he says, a little miffed that she forgot him so quickly.</p><p>“Okay.  Ben.  Would you like a muffin?  Blueberry or orange cranberry?”</p><p>His stomach growls again and he touches it absently.  Jesus.  He’s falling apart.</p><p>Rey must be pretending not to notice.  She’s standing next to her desk with her hand on the chair, waiting expectantly.</p><p>“Cran—whatever,” he says.</p><p>He seats himself on a chair next to her desk and begins to learn exactly how intelligent Rey Johnson is.  She is an excellent teacher and leaves him thoroughly in the dust with her well-considered plan.</p><p>“We won’t do the project right off the bat.  I have a few newbies coming into the program this year.  They need to learn some etiquette first.”</p><p>Ben’s ears prick up.  “That means they’re not going to be good for my littles, then?”</p><p>Rey stares at him with lips pressed together.  “You can’t bait me into an argument about the dangers of exposing your littles to my bigs.  No harm will come to either group.  I will be with you the entire time.”</p><p>He feels himself flush slightly at her insinuation.  “You think I can’t handle your bigs?”  If she knew him, she’d know that his voice gets low and soft when he is ready to bite someone.  But she doesn’t know him.</p><p>Rey lifts her chin.  “You seem awfully worried about their behavior.  I suspect you’re nervous around them.  They won’t harm you, Ben.”</p><p>Ben rises.  He doesn’t often use his size to intimidate others—at least not anymore—but she needs to see how he can handle himself.  She cranes her neck to look at him.</p><p>He doesn’t hunch or fold himself to make his body smaller.  He stands up straight and glares into this smaller person’s eyes, a look that normally sends grown men scattering.</p><p>She blinks her long lashes at him and says nothing.</p><p>“I’m bigger than all of them.  I’m military-trained,” he growls, ridiculously irritated with her.</p><p>She all but rolls her eyes at him.  “That’s nice.  I see that you are a sizable individual.  However, these kids are used to that and respond poorly to physical intimidation.  That’s all they know.”  She folds her hands on the desk.  “If you threaten them, they will respond in kind.  Allow me to do my job.  Thanks in advance.”</p><p>They glare at each other for a moment.  Ben hopes he wins the staring contest.  But he doubts it.</p><p>Rey stands suddenly.  “I’ll write up our proposal to give to Rose, then.  The project is solid and it will work.”</p><p>Ben finds his mouth open and his eyes glued to her face.  He can’t believe she’s dismissing him.  He can barely process his encounter with this woman.</p><p>He snaps his mouth shut.  They have another brief staring contest.  Ben tightens his lips and sees Rey’s eyes look at them.  Then back to his eyes.</p><p>Her expression softens.  “Here,” she says, handing him a muffin, “Take one for the road.”</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Ben isn’t one to navel gaze and brood.</p><p>No, that’s completely incorrect.</p><p>Ben <em>is</em> one to brood—and he spends time after he shoos his littles out for the day thinking about Rey in her room around the corner.</p><p>During his planning period, when his littles were off to music class, he’d watched Rey’s bigs stand outside her room.  He could smell the tobacco from where he stood.  He’d shaken his head at the ripped t-shirts and low-slung jeans, the chains, headphones, vibrant hair, and messy locs.</p><p>He had watched Rey bound out of her room wearing a lemon-yellow dress and a huge smile.  She’d high fived each kid, even if the kiddo didn’t want to do it.  Rey wouldn’t take no for an answer.  She’d looked each one in the eye and asked them a question.  It took her five minutes to get them all in her room.</p><p>As she closed the door, she’d felt his eyes on her.  She gave him a smile, too, as she closed the door.</p><p>After school is out and he’s supposed to be marking spelling tests, he gazes into space and wonders what magic Ms. Rey Johnson performs in that room.</p><p>Whatever it is, it’s working.</p><p>Ben finds himself wondering what Rey does for fun.  He thinks about his apartment and the silence that he wishes he enjoyed more.  He’s seen a lot of wild things and came back from the Knights searching for peace and quiet.  He returned home to find what was missing in his life.</p><p>It was still gone.</p><p>He finishes the tests, goes home, and stares at the whiskey in his glass. </p><p>An email pops up on his phone.  It’s from Rey.  She has a little sunshine emoji behind her name.  Totally unprofessional, adorable, and cheerful.  All Rey, he thinks, though he barely knows her.  He opens the email.</p><p>
  <em>What do you say we start our project tomorrow?  My kids are ready.  Let me know.</em>
</p><p>He stretches out on the couch and puts his feet up.  He emails her back.  <em>Sure.  Remind me how we begin?</em></p><p>He waits, wondering if she’s still online and working.</p><p>Another email pops up.</p><ol>
<li><em>Meet and greet day. Snack time with a partner.</em></li>
<li><em>Meet up in the library and find books on kites.</em></li>
<li><em>Mini-lesson on how kites work.</em></li>
<li><em>Making the kites together.</em></li>
<li><em>Flying the kites.</em></li>
</ol><p>Ben smiles at the organized list.  Rey has it all together.</p><p><em>Good enough</em>, he types.  <em>I will bring snacks and reserve the library.</em></p><p>She sends him a sun emoji.  It’s wearing sunglasses.  He laughs and finds himself actually looking forward to working with his colleague and her students.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Ben is not surprised when the project goes smoothly over the next week or so.  The kids in Rey’s class are more settled and polite than they seemed in the hallway. The heavy reek of tobacco has toned down.  The headphones and earbuds are gone, and they actually carry notebooks to do short interviews with Ben’s littles.</p><p>Rey watches the group closely and nips any protests or whining in the bud with a single frown.  Ben has no idea how she does it, but her students clearly adore her.</p><p>He manages to keep the squirrely ones in his class occupied before any mischief erupts.</p><p>Each day, Ben sees his littles become more connected and Rey’s bigs grow more wide-eyed and proud of themselves for being mentors.  The final day culminates with a trip to a large grassy area behind the school with the children and their homemade kites.  The bigs are to help the littles fly the kites in the light breeze.</p><p>Ben stands with Rey on the sidelines, both of them calling instructions and laughing about the antics.</p><p>“I never would have believed it,” Ben finds himself commenting.</p><p>Rey squints up at him, shielding her eyes in the sun.  “I hate to say I told you so, but…”</p><p>He shakes his head.  “You have every right…”</p><p>Without warning, screams erupt from the field.  Two of the bigs are fighting, rolling around in the grass, beating each other with fists.</p><p>Ben doesn’t stop to think.  He runs toward them and pulls them apart.  He yanks both up by their shirts and shakes them.  One tries to land a punch by reaching around Ben and nearly knocks Ben over.</p><p>Rey shouts and runs over.</p><p>“Stop it, Jakku and Luke.  Knock it off,” she bellows at them.  They ignore her and continue to wrestle around Ben.  He twists one boy’s arm behind his back while holding the other in a headlock.</p><p>Two of Ben’s little girls scream and race to hug Ben’s legs. </p><p>“Miranda and Kenisha, stay back,” Ben barks.  They ignore him and hang on his legs. </p><p>The boy growls at Ben and lashes out with a foot, attempting to connect with Ben’s thigh.  He kicks Miranda in the face, full on.  She screams and falls to the ground, holding her face in her hands. </p><p>Ben has had enough.  He shoves first one, then the other boy to the ground and kneels on their backs.</p><p>“Don’t move,” he shouts at them.  “Not one move.”  He vaguely wonders if he will be fired for manhandling children.  In another time and place, he might have broken their necks and been done with them.</p><p>Rey rushes over to help Miranda up.  She looks desperately at Ben, while rocking the screaming child in her arms.</p><p>“Stay here,” he grits.  He yanks the boys up again and marches them into the building by their collars.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Rey’s classroom door is firmly shut.  Ben has no idea what she is doing or saying to her students.</p><p>He has plenty to deal with himself.  Ben talks to his kids from the story rug.  They gather around him in a knot and ask scared, whispered questions.  He does his best to soothe them.  He sends them off at the end of the day and goes out to pick up the kites.  He needs to clear his head.  So much has happened.</p><p>Rey walks out, her usual sunny demeanor muted.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” she says as she helps him pick up the kites.  “It was all working so well.  Those two have been okay with each other for a while now.”</p><p>Ben merely looks at her.  He doesn’t know what to say.</p><p>“You can yell at me,” she remarks.  “You probably want to.”</p><p>He presses his lips together to keep from shouting.  Instead, he asks, “Did Rose speak to you?”</p><p>Rey plops down on the ground with a moan.  “Yes.  Miranda was sent home with her furious parents.  They blame me, you, and the school, though Rose tried her best to calm them down.  We wrote an apology email.”</p><p>Ben sits down next to her and wraps his arms around his legs.  “Yeah, I need to do that, too.  I just came out here to clean up first.  I hate writing those kinds of emails.  I put the kids in danger.”</p><p>Rey looks at him with sad eyes.  “No, I did that.  You were reluctantly going along with me.  And look how that turned out.”</p><p>Ben nods.  She’s right to a point.  “But I still have to be the one to communicate with them.  I will take the blame for it, too.  I don’t know what will happen next.  I roughed up two of your students.”</p><p>“Fuck,” Rey says softly.</p><p>“Fuck is right,” Ben agrees.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Ben flops on his couch later and folds one arm over his eyes.  He wants to cry so badly but that ability has been driven out of him.  Tomorrow is Saturday.  He will plan his class, do laundry, shopping, cleaning, and he will wait.</p><p>There will be inevitable angry emails.  He will read them and answer.  He will cc Rose and hope that he can answer the parents’ concerns.</p><p>An email pops up.  He doesn’t want to look at it tonight.  He should never have turned on the forwarding function on his school email.</p><p>He has a reprimand for putting his hands on students, but fortunately still has a job.  Rey’s incident report probably helped him there.  He feels sick.  It’s why he works with the littles and not the bigs.  He can control himself—he has an iron will.  But when faced with a fight, he immediately and instinctively chooses his training over the school’s regulations.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>The next morning, Ben heads for his room.  He works better with his supplies and books around him while he plans.  He puts on U2 and idly sings along with Bono complaining that he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.</p><p>Ben knows how he feels.</p><p>A voice comes from Ben’s doorway.  “What are you looking for?”</p><p>Ben looks up to see Rey in jeans and a t-shirt.  She looks tired and wan, like she hasn’t slept.</p><p>He stares at her.  His first thought, his first answer to the question is… “<em>you</em>.” </p><p>He’s been looking for her.  The idea takes him aback so much he almost blurts it out.</p><p>“I don’t know,” he says instead with a small smile.  “But I guess I haven’t found it yet.”  He pauses to gaze at her.  “You look exhausted.”</p><p>“Thanks,” she says with a small humorless laugh.  She walks into his room.  “Did you get my email?  You didn’t reply.”</p><p>He looks at her.  “No, I was avoiding email last night.  I already fielded two nasty ones this morning.  I didn’t even see yours.”</p><p>“I sent it as a backchannel message instead of on the main.”  She stands by his desk.  “I’m out.  Rose kicked our program out of the building.  It’s possible that we have to shut down for a while until we find somewhere else.”</p><p>Ben sucks in a breath.  This sweet, gifted teacher doesn’t deserve to be sent away.</p><p>But he knows the reality of life in a private, tuition-based school.  Parents often rule the day, and if Rose loses too many families, the school has to close.  She will do anything to keep them and the Board of Directors happy.</p><p>“Well, it was a pipe dream anyway,” Rey says, taking a deep breath.  “Being here in this lovely environment.”</p><p>And Ben watches Rey blink back tears and sees the quiver of her lips as she bites back on her emotions.  He steps forward without a word and opens his arms to her.</p><p>She walks into his chest and he enfolds her.  It is right.  She feels so good to him.  She smells right, she fits him.  She is his.</p><p>Her head rests on his shoulder as she cries.  He strokes her soft hair and marvels at the silky feel.</p><p>“It’s okay,” he rumbles in her ear.  “You’re an amazing teacher.  You did all the right things with the kids.”</p><p>She leans back and stares at him, wiping her eyes.  He grabs a tissue from the box that lives on his desk.</p><p>Rey gulps a laugh as she dries her eyes.  “I can tell you teach littles.  Ever prepared with the tissue box.”</p><p>“There’s a lot of crying in my classroom,” he deadpans.</p><p>Rey smiles up at him with wet lashes and a soft mouth that he wants to taste, badly.</p><p>So he does.  He leans down and covers her lips.  She makes a soft noise in her throat and winds her arms around his neck.  He opens his mouth for a taste and nudges her lips open with his tongue.</p><p>Rey breaks the kiss and steps back.</p><p>“No, we can’t.  It’s too complicated.  I can’t handle you right now, Ben.”  Her look of regret and fear crushes him.</p><p>She leaves him in his room with the taste of her lips on his tongue and her sweet scent on his shirt.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Ben leaves Rey alone.  He doesn’t email her—the email is probably shut down anyway.  He doesn’t try to find her, though he is sure he can.</p><p>Instead, he thinks about his life.  He has done so many things, wild things, sometimes shady things, sometimes honorable things.  He has been so many exotic, beautiful, ugly, and mundane places.  Seen shit he wouldn’t wish on anyone and seen amazing sights that few others are ever privy to.  He dined with kings and wore decorated uniforms, received kudos and praise from all over the globe.  He had many a woman writhing under him, many a lovely girl riding his dick and moaning his old name—Kylo Ren.</p><p>And yet, he still can’t find it.  What he wants.  What he needs to feel whole and right and good in his life.  He pours himself a whiskey on ice and thinks about how he’s found a good career, the rain of angry parent emails notwithstanding.  He loves being a teacher and he enjoys the young ones most.  They aren’t tainted and cynical.  They are fun, curious, and interested in everything, and Ben believes deep in his soul that kids that age need a male role model.  They spend most of their time with their moms.  Some don’t have dads and some have dads who are busy.  Ben knows he can be gentle, kind, understanding, and patient with them.</p><p>But teaching isn’t always enough.  All that wandering, all the kudos, all the career moves, and the sunny classrooms with their low hum of happy children is not enough, somehow.  Some way.  Something is missing.</p><p>Someone to share it with.</p><p>The one he imagines has yellow dresses and a warm smile.</p><p>Ben takes another sip.  He understands Rey’s feelings and respects her need for solitude while she sorts out what happened.</p><p>He can wait.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Ben finds himself at the Lucky Star Tavern, sitting across from another Supreme Leader looking to quit the Knights.  Jannah Ren twirls her glass of wine and leans back on one elbow.</p><p>“I’m ready to get out, Kylo,” she says.  “After what happened to Revan, I’m done.”</p><p>Ben snorts.  “Revan was always a reckless one.  From what I gather, he got hurt because he didn’t do his research on the situation.”  He sips a matching glass of wine.</p><p>“Finn contacted you about the situation, then?”</p><p>“Backchannels,” he says.  He doesn’t really want to talk about it.  That life is so far removed from his current situation that it seems like a dream.  He prefers to stay far away from the drama and chaos of the Knights.  He knows that Jannah gets it.</p><p>Jannah looks Ben up and down.  “You look great, Kylo.  You’ve made a new life.  That’s what I want, too.  Schoolteacher, eh?  Never would have guessed.”  She toasts him.  “Miles away from our missions.”</p><p>He shrugs, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.  “It’s good to stop looking behind me all the time.  I like the children and I enjoy the challenge of teaching.”</p><p>“First graders, Ren.  Aren’t you cute?”</p><p>Ben gives Jannah a hard look.</p><p>“No, I’m not kidding.  It’s really sweet.  I want to do something like that.”  She leans in and covers his hand.  “I’m looking for someone who understands.”  She gazes at him.  “Who has found peace and a different life.  Revan’s injuries made me wake up and look around.  I can’t keep doing the thing forever.”</p><p>They lock eyes.  Ben sighs internally.  Jannah cocks her head to one side.</p><p>“Kylo, my other name is Sharene Watts.  That is, if you ever need to find me outside.  I’m going back to being Sharene soon.”</p><p>“Ben Solo,” he says.  She probably already knows; indeed, he knew hers coming into this meet-up, too.  But it’s polite to say it out loud and give a Knight permission to know one’s outside name. </p><p>Jannah nods.  She twirls her glass again.  He knows she’s about to bring up a touchy subject.  He waits.</p><p>“We used to like each other, Ren.”</p><p>He hesitates for a fraction of a second.  “I still like you, Ren,” he says softly.  He pulls his hand out from under hers and pats her gently.  “But…” He presses his lips together, trying to find a way to explain.  “That’s not what I’m looking for.”</p><p>She leans back in disappointment.  “I always hoped we could… you know, after.”</p><p>He understands.  He had been her Supreme Leader and she had been part of his squadron until he resigned.  At the time, they both decided not to mix up the situation with sex.  Now, there was nothing stopping them.  Jannah is tall, beautiful, with a soft halo of dark hair, lovely eyes, pretty smile.  She knows him; she knows his past and the world they had been in together.</p><p>But that was what he was leaving behind.  And it was not what he was looking for.</p><p>He gives her a regretful smile.  “In my opinion, you should find someone who fits into your new life, not your old one.  But that’s just my take on life outside the Knights.  There are too many reminders of the old ways of life and I prefer to move forward.”</p><p>Jannah nods.</p><p>“What do you plan to do?” Ben asks, kindly.</p><p>She allows him to change the subject.  “I’m going into law.  I’ve already got a year of law school under my belt from before.  It won’t be hard to catch up and finish.”</p><p>Ben listens to Jannah talk about her future for a while, genuinely enjoying her enthusiasm.</p><p>They part as friends.</p><p>“I hope you find it,” she says as she leaves.</p><p>He raises his brows.</p><p>“What you’re looking for,” she adds and smiles.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>What he’s looking for.  Nothing is missing, Ben thinks.  Nothing.  He’s got a worthwhile, fulfilling career, a nice apartment, and a few colleagues to talk to.  He is all set.</p><p>Except.</p><p>Her.</p><p>Ben wants to know what happened.  He asks Rose Tico.  Just curious, he says, casually.</p><p>Rose glances at Ben’s face sharply, but he knows how to hide his emotions far better than his principal expects.  She seems satisfied by whatever she sees in his eyes.</p><p>“The program was assimilated back into the district as far as I know.  It was an experimental offshoot that Ms. Johnson spearheaded.  It was deemed a failure.”  Rose clamps her lips shut and stares at Ben.</p><p>In the old days, he would continue to probe and prod—and sometimes resort to unsavory mind fucks to make subjects give out information.  He almost laughs at the image of using those tactics on his employer.  Instead, he thanks her and returns to his classroom to call the district office on his cell.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Again, Ben finds himself amused by the ease at which he enters the classroom building that houses Rey’s program.  He makes up a ridiculous excuse and sells it perfectly to the school secretary.  He shows her the set of <em>12 Angry Men</em> paperbacks that he snagged from the book room. </p><p>“Ms. Johnson left this set in our storeroom,” he says, apologetically.  “We just located them.”</p><p>The secretary reaches out her hand to take them.</p><p>“Oh,” Ben says, so very innocently.  “Is Ms. Johnson here?  We worked closely together.  I’d like to say hi, if I may.”</p><p>Then he smiles at her and watches her eyes widen.  No suspicion, no interrogation.  The woman walks around the desk and points the way down the hall.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Thank goodness no one knows what a good creep he is.</p><p>Ben leans against the open doorway of Rey’s room.  She is at her desk grading.  The room is dingy, darker than her old room, with worn-out desks and many fewer supplies, books, and furniture.  But Rey is still in her lemon-yellow dress, which Ben likes.  Her hair is still smooth and her face beautiful in its concentration as she scribbles notes.</p><p>She looks up suddenly.  Her face registers surprise, then pleasure, then guilt.  She rises slowly.</p><p>“Ben,” she says.</p><p>He takes that as an invitation.  He walks in still holding the set of paperbacks in one hand.</p><p>“What do you have?” she asks, seeing the paperbacks.</p><p>“A decoy,” he answers.</p><p>“<em>12 Angry Men</em> is a decoy?”  She smiles at him and he stares at her, never able to get enough of her warmth and light.</p><p>“These are our books.  I pinched them from the storeroom.”</p><p>She laughs.</p><p>He sets them down on a student desk.</p><p>“You used these to be allowed in?”</p><p>He nods.  “Like my creativity?”</p><p>“No, you’re an idiot,” she says, grinning at him fondly.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You could have called me.  I would have let you in without all the subterfuge.”</p><p>He stares at her.  “You ran away from me.  I didn’t think you wanted to see me.”</p><p>She shrugs.  “I didn’t.”  She picks up a pen and twists it.  “I was too upset and hurt.”  She looks up at him with wide eyes.  “I was humiliated.”</p><p>He frowns.  “Why?  It’s just me.  In my opinion, booting you out was an over-the-top reaction on Rose’s end, but…  She did what she felt necessary.  Me, I’d tell the parents that it was handled, and we would be more careful about interaction in the future.  It was too soon in the school year.  Should have done it in spring.”</p><p>Rey stares at him open-mouthed.  “Really?”</p><p>“Yeah, really.  Rose caters to parents and the board too much, in my opinion.  But, I’m not in charge, so I do as I’m told and teach my littles.”</p><p>Ben watches various emotions flit over Rey’s face.  He lets her process it all.</p><p>“Oh,” she says.</p><p>He wants to laugh but doesn’t.  She’s fucking adorable.</p><p>“Should I have fought back?”  She looks at him square in the eye.  “Did I give up too easily?”</p><p>“You did what you thought was appropriate at the time,” he says.</p><p>She grinds her teeth.  “Bullshit.  I fucking caved without a fight.  Because I didn’t want to make trouble for Rose.”</p><p>“That’s honorable,” he says.  “It was an appropriate choice.”</p><p>“If you say ‘appropriate’ one more time, I’m going to bust you one.” Rey stomps up to him and waves a fist under his nose.</p><p>He catches it.  And kisses it, watching her eyes widen.  She pulls it back for a second.</p><p>Ben almost believes she’s going to sock him.</p><p>Instead, she throws her arms around him and plasters herself to him.  He catches her and pulls her tight against him.</p><p>The kiss he gives her isn’t light or soft.  The kiss she gives him is desperate, hungry.</p><p>He nuzzles her neck and whispers how much he wants her.  She drags her fingers through his hair and rests her forehead against his.</p><p>Ben understands in that moment that in her own way, Rey is as fierce as he.  She’s as much of a fighter.  She is passionate, driven, courageous, and strong.</p><p>She’s a teacher who cares, she’s a woman who can love him.  She’s of his new world and can stand beside him, a full and active partner for life.</p><p>If she’ll have him.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>Ben asks Rey to dinner and they spend the rest of the afternoon and early evening talking and laughing together in a booth at <em>The White Horse</em>.</p><p>He asks her if she’d like to bring her kids back to the building and talks about strategies for presenting the idea to Rose.</p><p>Rey cuts him off.  “No, I’m happy to stay in the district school.  I don’t want to move the kids again.”  She pauses.  “Actually…”</p><p>He leans forward as she takes his hand and entwines her fingers with his.  The sparkle in her eyes is unmistakable.  He’s charmed by her sudden enthusiasm.</p><p>“Actually,” she repeats.  “I want to start my own school.”</p><p>Ben stares at Rey for a shocked moment.  He’d forgotten to add “ambition” to the list of Rey’s characteristics.  He hasn’t felt ambitious for a good long while, having concentrated so hard on finding peace and tranquility—and feeling like it wasn’t enough.</p><p>He hadn’t found what he was looking for.</p><p>Ambition.  The desire to achieve more, to push harder, and go farther.</p><p>His ambition was to make Rey’s dreams come true—in any way he could.  His ambition was to make her his and hitch his own wagon to her bright star.</p><p>“Let do it,” he says, slowly smiling at the lovely woman beside him.</p><p>&lt;&gt; </p><p>And when he takes her home with him, he shows her what it will be like to be his and how he belongs to her, body and soul.</p><p>It’s not just sex; it’s a deeper connection of love and desire and claims made and souls merging.</p><p>This, he thinks, this is what he is looking for.</p><p>Ben and Rey Solo.</p><p> </p>
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